


An Empty Space for Two to Hide

by tearinmyarc



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Bonding, Connor is bi, Depression, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman Friendship, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy Friendship, Evan is probably Bi, Eventual Romance, Everyone Is Alive, Friends to Lovers, High School, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy Tension, Jared Kleinman Being an Asshole, Lots of Mentions of Trees, M/M, References to Depression, Treebros, Zoe is a good sister
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24302035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tearinmyarc/pseuds/tearinmyarc
Summary: Evan was no stranger to the feeling building inside him. The feeling that the walls were closing in on you, that shortness of breath, an illogical or irrational amount of panic. Evan was no stranger to anxiety, but he couldn’t let it win this time. He couldn’t let it go like this. He had to do something.OrHow Evan and Connor fell in love.
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy, Treebros - Relationship
Comments: 41
Kudos: 87





	1. Evan's First Day of School

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! Prepare yourselves cause this is gonna be a long one. But I'm really excited about it!  
> I haven't been able to stop thinking about these two losers <3 since I read the novelization so here we are...  
> Please read the tags before you start! There are mentions of anxiety and panic attacks as well as depression and suicide. Just a trigger warning for ya; there is gonna be some harder hitting stuff down the road.
> 
> Thanks to [endoftheziam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/endoftheziam)  
> She edited this into a really good work. And I'd be lost without her.
> 
> Title is from the song Shy by Hunny

“Today is going to be a good day and here’s why.” Evan looks at his bedroom walls. “Is it though? It’s very unlikely.”

Taking in the sight of the four uninspiring, mostly blank walls, he sighs. The only decorations being one poster detailing the types of trees most commonly found in North America and a map of the popular trails of Colorado. But that just reminds him of the fact that he hasn’t talked to his father in a month.

Evan closes his laptop, incapable of looking at the practically blank document any further.

His therapist wanted him to write letters to himself to “boost his self confidence.” He thought it was a pathetic idea, but since he didn’t actually tell Dr. Sherman anything of substance, he wrote them anyway. _What good is a therapist you don’t feel comfortable actually talking to?_

His mom had insisted he see a therapist a few summers after his father left. It took a while to find the “right one” and he had only been seeing Dr. Sherman for about a year. He had no idea what made him the “right one” but his mother had insisted that he was what Evan needed and he was just ready to stop revealing all his insecurities to person after person.

Now he sees Dr. Sherman twice a week and pretends he feels better so his mom is satisfied. He wants to feel better but he doesn’t believe he can and he doesn’t know how to tell anyone that.

Evan stood from ihs bed and busied himself with getting ready for school, he combed his hair and slipped on his usual first day attire; a striped polo and kakis. His mother had already given him the typical “It’s your first day! Just be yourself!” spiel. It had gone in one ear and right out the other.

_Same thing different day. The only difference this year is I only have the use of one hand_ , Evan looked down at his arm, wrapped in its cast. _Here we go. A start to another lonely, uneventful, uninspiring school year._

  
  
  
  


School started as usual, as he’d predicted. People ignored him, Alana spoke over him, Jared made shitty comments, the usual. He still hadn’t managed to get his cast signed by anyone but he supposed he didn’t really want anyone to sign it anyway. _No one in this school means anything to me… except for the Murphys._

Walking through the hallway, Evan looked up to see none other than Zoe Murphy at her locker. She looked beautiful as ever, maybe even a little more than usual. Summer was good to her. Her skin now bronzed and glowing, little streaks of blonde in her hair. It was a little distracting, how much it suited her.

Evan’s fascination with the Murphy’s stemmed from the fact that they were like all beautiful things, magnificent and untouchable.

Zoe, angel that she was, walked around the halls like she owned them, queen of the jazz band and mathlete extraordinaire. It wasn’t that she was popular, it was just that she was well liked. She was _nice_. The groups she was involved in, the friends she had made there, they worshipped her.

And so did Evan. He had been through the whole cycle: the desire for her attention, the need to be her friend, the strong want to be her romantic partner followed by the realization that he was more interested in her brother, and back to just desperately hoping she would notice him. Evan had spent a fair amount of time watching Zoe which inevitably meant he spent a lot of time watching her brother. And then he was watching her brother even when she wasn’t around. Her brother, Connor...well Connor was different. 

Everyone was terrified of him, but not Evan. He wasn’t afraid. He was _obsessed_. He watched his every move, he stalked him on social media, he even knew about his secret poetry tumblr.

Connor wrote the same way he acted, striking and fierce and passionate, everything that Evan was not. He knew all the stories that circulated around the school, the legend of Connor Murphy – how Connor had thrown the printer at the teacher in second grade, that Connor was the “the school pothead” (That didn’t scare him either, even if he wasn’t the biggest fan of weed), that he skipped school and slept during class. None of it mattered.

If Evan could ever buck up enough courage to talk to someone, to really talk to someone, it _had_ to be Connor Murphy. 

Evan, lost in thought, didn’t notice someone was in front of him until he collided with their flannel clad shoulder.

“Oh! I-II-I’m so sorry! I’m sorry!” Evan stuttered out looking right into the bright eyes of Zoe Murphy.

_Shit._

“It’s ok - hey you’re Evan right? Evan Hansen?” 

“Uh..yeah I’m Evan Hansen. You-you’re _Zoey Murphy_ ,” Evan squeaked.

Zoe chuckled. “Yes I am! Um what happened to your arm?”

“I uh fell. Out of a tree,” Evan blushed.

“Must have been a tall tree.” Zoe smiled as she turned to resume her walk to class. “See you around Evan Hansen.”

“Uh yeah..bye.” Evan was rooted to the ground, staring after her, unable to comprehend what had just occurred. _Zoe Murphy spoke to me. And she knew MY_ _name._

  
  
  
  


The rest of his morning passes in a blur. _She knew my name...I wonder if Connor knows my name. Maybe she could introduce me to Connor and then we could all be friends...eh wishful thinking._

By the time lunch rolled around he had completely worked himself into a Murphy-fueled tizzy. He noticed Jared in line by himself and, feeling a little more confident than usual, he decided he would try to convince him to sit together for lunch. 

“Jared-”

“Ugh.” Jared sneered. “You again?”

“Yeah..uh I was thinking maybe we could sit together today?” Evan rubbed his hands together.

Before Jared can answer, Connor Murphy cuts right between them.

“Love the new hair Murphy. Very sad boy chic.” Jared caustically threw over his shoulder as Connor passed. 

Evan cringes and holds his breath as Connor stops and turns to face them, his face the picture of quiet, controlled rage.

“It was a joke. I was joking,” Jared backpedaled. Evan looked back and forth between the two boys, stomach tightening with dread.

“Yeah, no it was funny. I’m laughing on the inside,” Connor spits.

Jared’s cocksure facade drops a little as he says, “You’re such a freak,” and rushes away.

For the second time that day, Evan is frozen. Now staring at Connor, eyes wide. He tries to think of something to do, to act normal, but the panic won’t let him move.

_I could have maybe finally talked to him. But Jared fucked any chance of that. What do I do? What do I say?_

Connor is still staring at him like he’s expecting Evan to say something. To Evan’s horror, all that comes out is a nervous laugh.

“What the fuck are you laughing at? Stop laughing at me!”

“No-no no I wasn’t!” Evan stammers.

“You think I’m a freak too huh? Is that what it is?”

“No no I-II-I think you’re bea-”

“I’m not a freak. You’re a fucking freak!” Connor shouts.

And before Evan can fully process what’s happening, he’s on the ground, Connor standing above him. Just before Connor dashes away, the rage that glimmers in Connor’s eyes softens.

Evan lays there numb.

_How could I have fucked up so royally? Now he’ll never want to talk to me. I should have stayed home today. I should never have tried-_

Brushing the grime from his hands, he finally stands. He looks up and for the second time that day, directly into the eyes of Zoe Murphy.

“Hey are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” Evan crosses his arms over his chest.

“I’m really sorry about whatever that was. He can be...difficult.”

“No i-it’s fine. Jared was being an ass,” Evan casts his eyes to the ground.

“Then why were you the one that ended up on the ground?”

“Uh..i don’t know..”

“Riiiiight...well it’s probably best you just try to avoid Connor in the future. He’s very confrontational right now for some reason.”

Evan looks up at her. “Yeah uh thanks for the tip,” Evan knows he’s staring at her, but he can’t help it. She’s so magnetic. 

“What? Do I have something on my face?” Zoe smiles. 

“N-no. Just uh…” He tries so hard to squeeze out the rest of the sentence but he just can’t. _Just uh I really wanna be your friend and I think you’re perfect. But that’s an incredibly awkward thing to say._

“Ok…Well I’m gonna go, but stay safe. No more trees - and stay away from Connor,” Zoe says over her shoulder, already on her way to her usual table.

Evan stares after her with a stomach that feels like it’s been tied into four different knots.

  
  
  
  


The rest of the school day is thankfully uneventful, but due to his morning laziness, Evan ends up stuck in the computer lab, attempting to write himself a letter.

_I’ve had the weirdest day. I honestly do not know how to write this._

He takes a deep breath and begins to type, letting out everything he’s been holding in since his first exchange with Zoe.

  
  
  
  


_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_It turns out, this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because why would it be?_

_Oh, I know, because there’s the Murphys. And all my hope is pinned on them. But I have managed to completely screw that up on day one. I finally talk to Zoe and I’m a mess._

_I don’t even really know them and they don’t know me. But maybe if I did. If I got the chance to really know them, really talk to them then maybe-maybe nothing would be different at all._

_I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of something. I wish people listened when I spoke. I wish that anything I said mattered, to anyone. I mean, let’s face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_

_Me_

  
  
  
  


Before he can second guess himself, he hits print and goes to collect his pitiful letter.

On the way to the printer, though, his mind races. _I can’t give this to Dr. Sherman, he’ll try to have me hospitalized or something. I’ll just rip it up and write some fake crap like I usually do._

Just as he reaches for his letter, a large hand with chipped black nail polish decorating its nails snatches up the freshly printed paper.

Evan turns to look at Connor Murphy. _The Murphys are trying to kill me. Oh I’m so dead. PLEASE do not look at that letter._

Connor clutches the letter and stares at Evan, a strange look on his face.

“So...What happened?” he says finally, looking at Evan’s cast.

Evan gulps. “Well, I was working as an apprentice park ranger uh this summer and one day I was walking by myself and I saw this a-amazing forty foot tall tree, and I started climbing it, and I just--fell.”

He knows he’s talking way too fast and probably giving too much detail but Connor Murphy of all people is talking to him and he’s so _nervous_.

“It’s kind of a funny story actually...I kept waiting for someone to come get me, I just laid there for like ten minutes thinking ‘any second now’ but of course no one came so…” he trails off feeling the smile fall from his face. _Oh God._ _That was pathetic._

Connor bursts into laughter.

Evan feels the smile return to his face in full force. Connor is laughing at him, but there’s nothing mocking in it. _God he’s so pretty when he smiles. I wish he would do that more._

“You fell out of a fucking tree? That is the saddest thing I have ever heard!”

Evan can’t help the butterflies that are doing cartwheels in his stomach. He feels the blush on his face and his hands begin to rub together again.

Once he manages to stop laughing, Connor’s eyes fall back to his cast. “No one’s signed your cast,” Connor says. He shrugs. “I’ll sign it.”

Evan freezes as Connor pulls a sharpie from his pocket and uncaps it. Connor looks at him questioningly, grabbing his arm and raising it. Evan, eyes wide, gives a small nod. He watches, shocked as Connor writes his name as large as possible across the front of his cast. 

“Wow. T-thank you so much.”

Connor steps back to admire his work and gives a small nod. “Now we can both pretend we have friends.”

The comment goes straight to Evan’s heart, piercing him like a hot knife. _You have no idea how much I wish we didn’t have to pretend._

“Yeah good point,” Evan replies. He looks down where his letter is still clutched in Connors other hand.

Connor follows his gaze. “Oh uh...this is yours right? Dear Evan Hansen...That’s you. Sorry I sort of snatched it away from you, thought it was mine,” Connor looks bashful as he starts to hand the letter back to Evan. He pauses, his arm raised, eyes skimming over the words, and Evan watches as his face morphs from tentative kindness to guarded suspicion.

“Finally managed to talk to Zoe? Is this about my sister?” he shoves the letter in Evan’s face.

“No-no its-”

“I’m not fucking dumb. ‘Murphys...Zoe’. You wrote this because you knew I would find it.”

“What? I didn't kn-” 

“So I would freak out and you could tell everyone how crazy I am, right?”

Evan can see the hurt in Connor’s eyes and he wants nothing more than to make it go away. He had to explain, to say something, but he couldn’t speak. And Connor was so hurt and _so angry_.

_He’s not listening, no one listens._

Evan was no stranger to the feeling building inside him. The feeling that the walls were closing in on you, that shortness of breath, an illogical or irrational amount of panic. Evan was no stranger to anxiety, but he couldn’t let it win this time. He couldn’t let it go like this. But the strong swirling of emotions flooding his mind was making it difficult to speak and Connor wasn’t _listening_.

“Please Connor no I-”

“Fuck you,” Connor thrusts a finger in his face. 

Evan watches as Connor swiftly turns and starts towards the door. The butterflies are gone; lead is all he feels in his stomach now. _No no no I can’t let him think that I’m like everyone else in this school. I’ve got to do something. He has to know_. 

“Connor! Wait!” Evan bursts out, a sudden energy propelling him towards the door. He runs through it and sees Connor storming across the courtyard towards the trees that border the school. 

“It’s not about your sister!” Connor doesn’t even slow down. “Please Connor just listen to me!” Evan feels the helplessness rising, his eyes starting to water, but he can’t give up now. 

“I’m in love with you!”

Connor stops, and slowly turns around to face him. “Fucking excuse me?”

Evan finally catches up to him, panting, trying to calm himself. _Oh fuck oh fuck I should not have said that. I just wanted him to know he matters. He might actually kill me now_. 

“I-I uh…the letter. I know it says Zoe, I just wanted her to talk to me so I could talk to you. I mean-she’s cool and I wanna be her friend but-”

“But you’re in love with me?” Connor’s eyes widen.

“Maybe?” Evan whispers.

“You don’t even know me.”

Evan’s eyes fall to the ground, his hands rubbing together furiously. “I- yeah you’re right. But I would like to.”

He flicks his eyes towards Connor’s face. Something like wonder shines from his eyes. Evan allows a slight smile to make its way onto his face. Then Connor extends a hand. He stares at it, once again noticing the chipped black nail polish and the ring that sits delicately on his thumb.

“Hi I’m Connor Murphy. I like good books, strong weed, and hot boys.”

Dumbstruck, Evan reaches out and shakes Connor’s hand. “Hi Connor Murphy. I’m Evan Hansen and I like good trees, strong documentaries, and I also like hot boys.”


	2. In the Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Treebros go sit under some trees:) and some ~stuff~ happens

After a few moments, Evan drew his hand back, feeling curiously saddened at the loss of Connor’s touch.

Connor’s eyes met his and he smiled. “Alright tree boy, follow me,” he turned around and continued his path to the trees.

The two walked in silence until Connor suddenly stopped and sat, crossing his legs, beneath an oak tree. He patted the ground next to him and Evan sat hesitantly. Evan watched as a few strands of Connor’s long hair fell across his eyes. He was finding it difficult to look directly at him like this, up close.

“So...what's the full story behind the letter?” Connor glanced at Evan, peering through the hair that he hadn’t brushed from his face.

Evan pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He nervously glanced at Connor who was looking at him expectantly. And Evan couldn’t decide if it would be easier to run away or to spontaneously combust. 

_ There’s only one way out of it and that’s with the truth. That’s what you're supposed to do right? To make friends? We gotta start somewhere might as well start with the hard stuff I guess. _

“Well…I’m supposed to uh write these letters to myself,” Evan shrugged trying to sound casual, “My-my therapist thinks they help. I don’t really agree but…”

“Your therapist?” Connor voice didn’t waver with any sort of emotion. Evan found it both comforting and arresting.

Evan stared at the ground knowing that he was going to have to dig his own grave even deeper. “Yeah.. I have like major anxiety. I take medication and everything. It’s lots of fun.”

“I hear you there,” Connor said, his voice lifting with amusement. 

“Wait what?” Evan looked up.

Connor shrugged. “I have depression. I’ve been seeing therapists since I was 10. I’ve been prescribed every medication under the sun,” Connor locked eyes with Evan. “I get those feelings. The ones in your letter- about not being listened to, about disappearing and no one noticing. I understand what that’s like.”

“Oh wow. That’s nice,” Evan said, then blanched.

“ _ Nice _ ?”

“Oh! No-no I just meant, like, it’s nice to talk to someone who gets it. It’s not nice that you have depression. I’m sorry,” Evan blushed furiously.

To Evan’s relief, Connor grinned “Yeah it is. But this letter-” Connor said, handing it to Evan “What is the story behind  _ this _ letter?”

“Today has been...odd. I spoke to your sister twice today and I couldn’t believe that she knew my name. And I’ll be honest I’ve wanted to speak to  _ you _ for a while and when Jared said what he said I just-- froze,” Evan can feel that he’s speaking too fast again but he’s unable to stop himself. “It was mean and fucked up honestly and I wanted to apologize...but I-I just couldn’t speak. I swear I don’t think you’re a freak. I think you’re wonderful.”

_ Oh God I did not just say that. _

“Yeah, right,” Connor rolled his eyes, unfazed by Evan’s compliment. “It’s ok. You didn’t do anything wrong and I’m sorry for shoving you. I shouldn’t have done that. I always take my anger out in the wrong places.” Connor sighs and puts his head in his hands.

“It’s ok it didn’t hurt that bad,” Evan teased. 

Connor snorted and lifted his head from his hands, that playful grin returning to his face. “So where does Zoe fit in here? Are you into her too? You got some kind of bisexual panic going on over there?”

Evan shook his head vigorously. “No no no! I mean I thought at first but no- I just think she’s really cool. She just always seemed like she would be a good friend. And like I said before I um...thought that maybe if we were to become friends then I could maybe talk to you…”

Connor rubbed a hand across his eyes. “My sister is an amazing friend. But we haven’t been close for a while. I tend to take my anger out on her,” he said as his smile dropped and his expression turned distant.

Connor paused and then his eyes flicked back to Evan’s. They were full of regret and self-loathing. “I saw you talking to her earlier...after I pushed you. She’s a much better person than I am. You’d probably be better off with her.”

Evan took in his dejected form, the despair creeping in on Connor’s face, and decided that he was going to be brave for once in his life. He could do it, he had to do it. For the beautiful, broken boy in front of him.

_ How can I make him see that he’s what I’ll always want? That he’s amazing, that he’s worth it _ ?

Evan leaned forward and grabbed Connor’s chin, closing his eyes and tilting his head to press their lips together lightly. It was meant to be a kiss of reassurance, just a chaste brush of lips, but it lit his insides on fire. Evan opened his eyes and leaned back, looking into Connor’s surprised face, his mouth open in a little “O” and his eyebrows raised.

Evan took a deep breath, feeling the panic set in.  _ Oh fuck. What did I just do? _

“S-sorry I shouldn’t have done that oh god I’m so-”

But Evan couldn’t get the rest of the apology out because Connor leaned forward and crashed his lips on Evan’s. Their lips moved together smoothly, like they’d done this a hundred times.

He felt Connor lightly bite his lip and he gasped, Connor took advantage of this and pushed his tongue into his open mouth. Evan had never had anyone’s tongue in his mouth before, but he was pleasantly surprised at the feeling. He reached up to run a hand into Connor’s hair, the other hand cupping his cheek. Connor wrapped his arms around Evan’s neck and shifted so that their mouths locked together perfectly.

_ Holy shit. I am making out with Connor Murphy. This is unbelievable _ .  _ It’s perfect. _

__

Eventually, the two boys pulled apart to breathe. Evan couldn’t help but laugh; a low chuckle that quickly turned into full bodied mirth. And then Connor started to laugh too and Evan felt the happiest he had felt in a very long time.

“Oh wow. Today has been...the strangest day of my life,” Evan choked out between laughs.

“Yeah I can’t argue with you there,” Connor said smiling. “Evan?”

“Yes?”

“I have a confession to make…,” Connor ducked his head sheepishly.

“Oh? what’s that?” Evan asked warily.

“I know who you are. I’ve seen you around. You always seem to be there in the background, hiding. I just say that because I’m usually in the background too,” Connor looked at the ground.

Evan nodded and leaned against the tree behind them. “Well maybe we don’t have to hide so much anymore. At least, not from each other.” He smiled at Connor who looked up at him for a moment before returning the smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme know what you think in the comments!  
> Connor's POV coming soon!


	3. Deep Breaths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attack described in the chapter so please beware!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one sorry! But next chapter will be from Connor's POV :)
> 
> And another thank you to my wonderful friend [endoftheziam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/endoftheziam)  
> Go read her fic she's amazing!

The two boys sat in peaceful silence in their spot under the tree for awhile, enjoying each others company, before a loud beep interrupted their reverie. Connor pulled his cell phone from his pocket.

“Sorry, it looks like I’m gonna have to head out-- my mom,” Connor said, rolling his eyes.

“Oh! Yeah of course. That’s no problem…”

Connor got to his feet. “Hey um-- thanks for today. I...needed this.”

“Sure. I-I mean I didn’t really do much but-”

“You did plenty...just thanks for spending this time with me. You’re a really nice guy Evan. I...we should do this again.”

“I would like that very much,” Evan forced himself to hold eye contact with Connor, hoping that the other boy could see his sincerity.

“Put your number in my phone. I’ll text you,” Connor said offering his phone to Evan.

“Uh yeah ok!” Evan punches his number into the phone, his hands shaking.

_ Holy shit is this really happening? I kissed him but  _ he _ wants to  _ text _ me!? What if he thinks I’m annoying? What if I text too much? What if I don’t text enough? Calm down calm down you’re freaking out over nothing. _

Evan stood and handed the phone back, immediately shoving his hands in his pockets following its return to it’s owner.

“Look uh..” Connor starts. Evan’s thoughts started to spiral once again.

_ Oh no. That’s never a good way to start a sentence. Please tell me he’s not blowing me off already _ . 

“--not to say that I didn’t enjoy uh  _ that  _ but maybe we should not do  _ that _ …”

“Oh...yeah ok,” Evan pulled his shoulders in as if to sink into himself, eyes to the ground.

Connor seemed to realize his mistake. “I just mean-maybe-probably we shouldn’t do that for now. Since we barely know each other and everything.”

Evan pulls his eyes up from the ground with great effort to look at Connors expression. Connor’s face swirled with a mixture of disgust and pity. Evan wanted to run away.

“I guess you’re probably right,” Evan shuffled his feet.

“I like you Evan. I do--but I think we should figure each other out first”

Evan nodded, unsure of what to say. The thoughts running through his head hadn’t slowed down enough to form words. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow at school?”

Evan nodded again and watched as Connor smiled tightly, waved, and then disappeared through the trees.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there after Connor left. Could have been a minute, could have been an hour. When he finally managed to get his feet to work again, he headed home, his thoughts yelling at him at the whole way.

Evan burst through the door and immediately ran to his room, throwing himself facedown on the bed.

He was glad his mom was still at work because he could feel the oncoming panic attack rising in the back of his throat, burning like acid. He could feel the tears stinging his eyes, his hands shaking, his breath quickening.

_ No no no you’re being dramatic. It’s not that bad. Take a deep breath…That’s not working. He said he would see you at school. He’s gonna text you. It’s not a rejection. It’s not a rejection _ . 

Just as his attack hits its peak, as he’s placed his head between his knees and his arms over his head, he felt his phone vibrate on the bed next to him.

He looked over at it and wiled himself to calm down, to focus on something, anything to help him breathe again.

_ You can’t look at the text until you calm down. So breathe and get your shit together _ .

He focused on the bedspread under him, counting the squares in the pattern. Eventually he started to feel his breathing slow to a normal pace, the pains in his chest recede. Finally feeling the attack dissipate he grabbed his phone and lied down, preparing himself for the worst. 

**Connor** : hey it’s connor. i really liked spending time w u. would u maybe wanna hang out at the park tomorrow after school?

Evan reads the text multiple times, trying to decide the best course of action.

_ Obviously I want to see him again. Is it a good idea though? Last time you kissed him for no good reason. But surely I can control myself this time-- what do I say? I gotta reign it in so I don’t freak him out. I just had a full on panic attack because he told me kissing was a bad idea. _

_ God. What’s wrong with me? Be normal Evan. _

Evan: I really liked spending time with you too. I’d love to hang out tomorrow. 

He took a deep breath and pushed Send. He reread the text, hoping he didn’t sound too eager.

_ I used the word love oh god he’s gonna change his mind I’m so stupid _ . 

Before he could spiral any further, his phone vibrated in his hand. 

**Connor** : awesome i’ll see u tomorrow

Evan breathed a sigh of relief as he flopped back onto his bed, clutching his phone to his chest, smiling up at the ceiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own these characters I’m just borrowing them. Please don’t sue me.


	4. Connor's First Day of School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's version of the first day of school!  
> I wonder how he feels about Evan...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go finally some Connor! It's gonna be in his POV for this and the next two chapters then we go back to Evan for three, and so on. That's how I've been writing this for some reason so...here ya go!
> 
> Another big thank you to [endoftheziam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/endoftheziam) for editing. AND for helping me write Connor's poem. She did most of the work on that lol. 
> 
> Thanks so much for all the support I've gotten! I've got plenty more coming so don't go away :)

Connor rubbed his eyes and tried to will himself to sit up. _God damnit I really don’t want to do this. Fuck school and fuck everyone in that place_.

It took a while, but he finally managed to rise and get dressed. He had tried his hardest to get out of going but his mother had already come into his room and pre-grounded him: “I swear to god, Connor if you don’t go to school today, you’re grounded for 2 weeks!”

After an awkward breakfast that consisted of both his father and sister accusing him of being high and him eating absolutely nothing, Connor was now being forced to endure an equally awkward car ride with said sister. 

“You know Connor...maybe if you stopped going to school high, you might make friends.”

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I’m not high Zoe! It’s 8 in the morning!” 

“So stop yelling,” Zoe fixed him with a death glare, “I hope you’re not lying to me. Because I have a feeling today’s gonna be good.”

“Yeah right. I have a feeling today’s gonna make me wish I had never been born,” Connor turned to stare out the window moodily. 

They arrived at school, and Zoe immediately rushed to a group of her friends waiting for her. _Typical_ . Connor stalked through the double doors, actively avoiding making eye contact with anyone and everyone. _Just make it through. At least try. And if worse comes to worse..._

Thankfully his morning passed without major conflict. Of course there were the usual insults thrown his way. A few “freaks”, several “faggots”, and he was pushed into the lockers a couple times. Business as usual; things he could easily push down.

At least until lunch rolled around and he had to hear from Kleinman. 

“Love the new hair Murphy. Very sad boy chic.”

He wouldn’t normally take the time to respond to the weak insult but he’s still mad he had to go to school today and he just really hates Kleinman. _This motherfucker...god I’m sick of this shit. The same jokes all the time. Why won’t you people just leave me alone?_

He stopped and turned to face Jared, his face thunderous. 

“It was a joke. I was joking”

“Yeah, no it was funny. I’m laughing on the inside,” Connor said flatly.

Jared’s cocky smile faded and he started to back away, but he couldn’t resist one last jab.

“You're such a freak.”

It’s pushed Connor past the point of no return. And it made him noticed that there was someone else present.

_Evan Hansen, fellow loser. What does he want from me? He’s staring...that needs to stop_ . _Did he just laugh at me_ ? _Him of all people? Fuck this_. 

He knew it was overly aggressive. He knew Evan didn't do anything. He knew he was making a scene. And he hated it all.

But he did it anyway.

He shoved at the smaller boy and watched as he fell to the ground, his eyes wide, his mouth open in shock.

One look at Evan’s sad and defeated face and Connor immediately felt horrible. And like a coward, he did what he did best.

He ran.

But before he could make his way out of the cafeteria, he saw Zoe make her way over to Evan. If he thought he was pissed off before, he was furious know.

_And there’s perfect Zoe, cleaning up her psycho brother’s mess. Thanks a lot sis, can’t wait for you to make yet another friend cause you’re just so charming._

He spent the rest of the day hiding in the library brooding, only leaving to smoke a joint in the stairwell. Bored and stoned he made his way to the library computers determined to write some poetry, hoping that it would help him crawl out of the deep hole he had dug for himself. 

_Weakness_

_A soft reprieve_

_The drifting of rubble the wake of a storm._

_I wasn't meant to touch_

_But I couldn’t resist._

_You have to tell me you understand_

_I'll never know why they said yes when I asked_

_I’ll never know why I asked_

_I just can’t be here all alone_

_You have to tell me I made it out_

_And what has been ripped from my hands?_

_I’ve been through everything in order to receive this wonderful gift_

_And it never came._

_It never came_

He was lost in thought, staring critically at the first half of his poem, when he caught sight of someone out of the corner of his eye.

Evan Hansen took a seat at a computer across the room.

_If there’s a god he hates me. I should apologize…_

He pressed print and walked to the printer. Evan must have been printing something also; he was headed towards him. It was the perfect opportunity.

_Ok just be nice. Just get the poem and apologize and maybe you’ll never have to talk to him again._

He arrived just before Evan and grabbed the paper waiting in the tray, not wanting the other boy to see his cliché lonely poetry. He took a quick look at it and froze.

‘ _Dear Evan Hansen…’_

He looked at Evan who was staring at him again, a blank look on his face.

_Is he broken? Did I break him?_

He scrambled for something to say as his eyes landed on the other boys cast “So...what happened?” Connor cringed, _Really that’s the best you can come up with? Why would he want to talk about that?!_

Evan started to go into the details of how he broke his arm and Connor couldn’t help but find the whole situation funny. Picturing him lying there waiting for someone to come for him. Falling from a _tree._ It sounded so pathetic. It sounded just like something that would happen to him.

Evan trails off and Connor bursts into laughter, unable to hold it back any longer.

“You fell out of a fucking tree? That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard!”

He didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, but he was too caught up in the absurdity of it all.

Thankfully Evan didn’t take it negatively; a blush made its way across his cheeks and his hands started rubbing together.

_Ok that’s...weirdly adorable. I’ve never noticed before but he’s actually pretty cute… maybe I should pay attention more often._

Connor took in the sight of Evan’s sad blank white cast.

“No one’s signed your cast.” Connor flicked his eyes to Evan’s and grinned.

_It’s worth a shot, maybe leaving my mark here is good enough._

_“_ I’ll sign it,” He shrugged and pulled his sharpie out of his pocket. He grabbed for Evan’s arm raising it in inquiry.

Evan nodded, his eyes the size of saucers. Connor began writing his name as to completely fill the front of the cast. _There...now I’m right where everyone can see. I hope this helps us both. Maybe they’ll leave you alone at least._

“Wow T-thank you so much,” Evan said quietly, as Connor stepped back to admire his work.

“Now we can both pretend we have friends,” he said without thinking. He watched Evan’s face, hoping he hadn't just shot himself in the foot. 

“Yeah good point,” Evan grimaced.

Connor could feel the tension rising. Not knowing what to say, he offered the letter back to Evan.

Before Evan could take it, a few words jumped out at him. _This letter is kind of sad_ ... _Zoe? Wait what? Why is she mentioned in this? What the fuck is this? The Murphys...is he fucking with me? What the hell kind of game is this?_

“’Finally managed to talk to Zoe’? Is this about my sister?” he shoved the letter in Evan’s. He could feel the anger rising, and he knew he was probably blowing it out of proportion, but he was so _tired_ of everyone talking about him behind his back.

“No. No it’s-,” Evan started, but Connor didn’t want to hear it. 

“I’m not fucking dumb. ‘Murphys’...’Zoe’. You wrote this because you knew I would find it.”

“What? No I didn’t kn-”

“So I would freak out and you could tell everyone how crazy I am, right?” Connor yelled. He couldn’t take it anymore. Any of it. 

“Please Connor no I-” Evan started to defend himself. 

“Fuck you,” Connor thrust his finger in Evan’s face. His finger shook, his breathing uneven. I _’ve got to get out of here before I do something stupid_ . _Again._

He rushed out the door. His pace was quick but he wouldn’t allow himself to run; that would be too embarrassing. He could hear Evan calling out to him, telling him to wait, but there was no way he would talk to him again. Or anyone. Ever.

 _If this experience has taught me anything, it's that I will never make friends. I am doomed to be alone forever_. 

Evan said something about Zoe, and Connor ignored it, continuing on his mission to get as far away as possible. 

“I’m in love with you!”

Connor came to a crashing halt, his hands involuntarily curling into fists, his eyes rapidly blinking. _Fucking excuse me? Did he just say he’s in love with me? What...is that supposed to mean_?

He slowly turned around to face Evan, who finally managed to catch up to him.

Evan’s eyes were blown wide; he was breathing hard, fidgeting in place like he couldn’t physically contain himself. 

“Fucking excuse me?”

“I-I uh...the letter. I know it says Zoe, I just wanted her to talk to me so I could talk to you. I mean she's cool and I wanna be her friend but-” Evan started, but Connor barely listened, wanting to make sure he heard him right.

“But you’re in love with me?” he asks.

“Maybe?” Evan said quietly. 

“You don't even know me.” Connor said, awed.

Evan turned bright red, his hands rubbing together furiously.

“I-yeah you’re right. But I would like to.”

Connor felt like his brain was short circuiting, like he’d been handed something important, like he held the other boy’s fate in his hands.

He had no idea what to do with it.

_He loves me..he’s in love with me. Surely not...But he wants to get to know me. Maybe we could try...I haven't seemed to scare him off yet._

Connor extended his hand, an offering of friendship. He knew it must have shown on his face, all the strange emotions he was feeling. But he didn’t care. Evan was standing there looking at him like he’d just won the grand prize.

“Hi I’m Connor Murphy. I like good books, good weed, and hot boys.”

Evan reached out and grasped Connor’s hand. He felt almost giddy as they shook hands, staring into each other's eyes. 

“Hi Connor Murphy. I’m Evan Hansen and I like good trees, good documentaries…and I also like hot boys.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a lil comment and lemme know what u think! I crave confirmation that I'm doing good.


	5. And That's Where I am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's version of events in the trees ;)

Connor wasn’t sure what came next. His original plan had been to disappear into the woods until he calmed down enough to go home. That plan didnt necessarily have to change. _He did say he likes trees. What even is a_ good _tree?_

“Alright tree boy, follow me,” Connor turned and lead the other boy into the small forest.

He could feel Evan’s eyes on his back as they walked further into the trees. He hoped that he wasn’t being too weird, but what about this day hadn't been weird?

They reached Connors favorite school sulking spot and he sat, patting the ground next to him. Evan slowly sat and looked at him expectantly. 

“So...what’s the full story behind the letter?” He wasn’t sure if it was the best route for conversation, but he had no idea what to say and he really wanted to know why Evan would be sitting alone in the computer lab writing a sad letter. To himself.

Evan pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Connor can’t help but find it adorable. _He looks nervous, but he’s so damn cute_. 

“Well...I’m supposed to uh write these letters to myself. My-my therapist thinks they help. I don’t really agree but…” Evan trailed off, embarrassed. 

“Your therapist?” Connor made an effort to keep his voice smooth and even, but Evan still cast his eyes to the ground.

“Yeah..I have like major anxiety. I take medication and everything. It’s lots of fun,” Evan said. 

Connor knew exactly what Evan was doing. He knew that inflection, the self deprecating humor, the effort to pretend things were ok when they never were.

He knew it all too well.

He did it every single day.

“Yeah I hear you there,” Connor said.

“Wait. What?” Evan looked up at him. 

Connor smiled a bit at the renewed eye contact. _There we go, there it is_ . _I get it. I know. And now you know I know._

“I have depression. I’ve been seeing therapists since I was 10. I’ve been prescribed every medication under the sun. I get those feelings. The ones in your letter—about not being listened to, about disappearing and no one noticing. I understand what that’s like.”

He didn’t know what made him tell the full truth, maybe it was the way Evan looked at him like he’d just discovered fire. Maybe it was just that Evan had told _him_ the truth, and he felt obligated to do the same. It could just have been the fact that this was the first time in a very long time anyone had actually _listened_ when he talked.

“Oh wow that’s nice,” Evan said. 

“ _Nice_?”

“Oh! No-no I just meant like its nice to talk to someone who gets it. It’s not nice that you have depression. I’m sorry,” Evan blushed. 

Connor knew he would normally be annoyed, but he couldn’t stop smiling. _It is nice. He’s nice. I’m glad he followed me out of the lab_.

He laughed. “Yeah it is”

Connor’s thoughts drifted back to the letter, to the Zoe of it all, to the utter loneliness that dripped off the page, and to the anger he initially felt.

“But this letter-” he realized suddenly that he still clutched it in his hand, it hadn’t felt right for him to do anything else with it. He waved it in front of Evan, “What is the story behind _this_ letter?” 

“Well...today has been...odd.I spoke to your sister twice today and I couldn’t believe that she knew my name. And I’ll be honest I’ve wanted to speak to _you_ for a while and when Jared said what he said I just froze. It was mean and unnecessary and I wanted to apologize...but I-I just couldn’t speak. I swear I don’t think you’re a freak. I think you’re _wonderful_.”

Connor searched the other boys face for some sign that he was joking, but all he saw was sincerity. He felt a weird sensation in his stomach, something akin to butterflies.

_Wonderful? Me? Surely he’s just being nice._

“Yeah right,” Connor rolled his eyes. “It’s okay by the way...you didn’t do anything wrong and I’m sorry for shoving you. I shouldn’t have done that. I always take my anger out in the wrong places.” He sighed and put his head in his hands.

 _I don’t deserve his kindness_.

“It’s ok it didn’t hurt that bad.”

Connor snorted and lifted his head. “So where does Zoe fit in here? Are you into her too or something? You got some kind of bisexual panic going on over there?”

Evan shook his head rapidly, his hands rubbed together furiously. “No no no! I just think she’s really cool. She just always seemed like she would be a good friend. And like I said before I um...thought that maybe if we were to become friends, then I could maybe talk to you.” 

_He’s really nervous. It’s strangely...endearing. I guess he wasn't joking...he’s actually into me. That’s so strange...nice but strange. Someone trying to befriend Zoe to get to_ me. _Who would have thought?_

“My sister is an amazing friend. But we haven’t been close for a while. I tend to take my anger out on her.” Connor took a deep breath.

“I saw you talking to her earlier...after I pushed you.” He looked into Evan’s eyes hoping the other boy could see the regret. “She’s a much better person than I am. You’d probably be better off with her,” Connor curled in on himself. _You don’t know me Evan. I’m not wonderful._ _I’m not a good person_ _at all._

He willed himself to look away from Evan; he didn’t want to see the pity or disgust most likely written on his face.

Out of the corner of his eye, Connor could see Evan moving closer. Suddenly he felt a hand on his chin pulling his face in to Evan’s.

Their lips pressed together lightly.

It completely takes him by surprise. Definitely not an unwelcome surprise; it was actually quite welcome. 

Evan leaned back after a couple of seconds and Connor can see that he himself was shocked by what he’d done.

“Oh...ok yeah,” Connor said hesitantly.

“S-sorry I shouldn't have done that oh god i'm so sor-” Evan started but Connor didn't want him to think that the kiss was unwanted, didn’t want to give him time to overthink it.

So he rushed forward and crashed their lips together, much more fiercely this time. Their lips moved together smoothly, naturally. _Fuck why does this feel so good?_

Connor was no stranger to kissing boys, and he usually enjoyed it, but Evan was different. He couldn’t get enough.

Connor lightly nipped at Evan’s lip and the other boy gasped in return, which gave Connor the perfect opportunity to slip his tongue inside. Evan tangled a hand into Connor’s hair, and he wanted to moan but he held it in, not wanting to scare the other boy away.

Evan’s other hand gently cupped his cheek, his thumb gracing Connor’s cheekbone. It’s such a sweet gesture it made him want to cry. _He’s too good for you and you know it_. Connor wound his arms around Evan’s neck which shifted them slightly, locking their lips together perfectly. 

Eventually they pulled apart, breathing heavily. Unexpectedly, Evan began to chuckle quietly. His laughter quickly rose until he was full on cackling, his smile wide, his eyes squeezed shut. He looked so pure and happy that Connor couldn’t help but laugh too.

 _This day has been so goddamn weird_. 

“Oh wow. Today has been...the strangest day of my life,” Evan said between laughs.

“Yeah I can’t argue with you there."

 _I suppose I should tell him that I know who he is...I mean I don’t really know him and he really doesn’t know me...but I want him to know that I see him_.

“Evan?”

“Yes?” Evan asked, his eyes bright and shining.

Connor couldn’t look away if he tried.

“I have a confession to make..”

“Oh? What’s that?”

Evan’s smile was so beautiful and open. Connor just wanted him to smile like that all the time. 

“I know who you are. I’ve seen you around. You always seem to be there in the background, hiding. I just say that because I’m usually in the background too.”

He looked at the ground, afraid that Evan’s brightness would dim, that he would look at him differently.

Evan sighed, and Connor heard him lean back to rest against the tree behind them. 

“Well maybe we don’t have to hide so much anymore. At least, not from each other,” Evan said.

He looked up.

Evan was still smiling, his brightness unchanged,

Connor couldn’t resist smiling in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all TOP fans? Anybody? What u think about all the codes?


	6. Turbulence

The two boys sat in comfortable silence. It was exactly what Connor needed. He felt like he could manage another evening in the Murphy household now. 

His phone beeped and he groaned. He knew exactly who it was and what they wanted.  _ Speak of the devil and she shall appear.  _ He pulled his phone out of his pocket. Just as he suspected his mother was wondering why he wasn’t home yet.

“Sorry, it looks like I’m gonna have to head out...my mom is already hounding me.”

“Oh! Yeah of course that’s no problem…” Evan said quietly, eyes to the ground.

“Hey um I just wanted to say thanks for today. I...needed this,” Connor said, getting to his feet.

“Sure I-I mean I didn't really do much but-” Evan started and Connor didn't want him to finish that thought. He needed Evan to understand how important this time had been to him, how just sitting and talking to him, not letting him run away, meant so much to him.  _ He listened to me. He saw me. How can I even begin to thank him?  _

“You did plenty...just thanks for spending this time with me. You’re a really nice guy Evan. I...we should do this again,” Connor said and he really meant it. He wanted to spend more time with this small, kind boy. He wanted to get to know him. He wanted to be his friend. He wanted to kiss him again...

_ Best not think about that right now. _

“I would like that very much,” Evan looked up at him. It was so pure Connor felt like he had to get away ASAP. Before he did something stupid, like kiss him again.

_ He’s too good. He’s too good for you _ . 

“Here. Put your number in my phone. I’ll text you.” Connor thrust his phone into the hands of boy still sitting on the ground.

“Uh yeah okay!,” Evan said. He took the phone and quickly punched his number in. 

Evan stood, handing the phone back to Connor and immediately shoved his hands in his pockets. 

_ Oh god this is such a bad idea...but I really don’t want to let him go… _

“Look uh…” he started and watched as Evan’s face dropped. “Not to say that I didn’t enjoy uh  _ that _ but maybe we should not do uh  _ that _ …”

“Oh. Yeah. Okay,” Evan pulled his shoulders in on himself.

_ Oh shit. He thinks I'm blowing him off. _

_ Maybe you should. He’s too good for you. He’s too good for you. _

_ But I can’t. _

“I just mean—maybe--probably we shouldn’t do that  _ for now _ . Since we barely know each other and everything?”

Evan looked up, and Connor could swear he saw the light dim in his eyes, like his dark thoughts were pulling the light right out of them. Connor couldn’t help but feel responsible for it, and it was yet another reason that they shouldn’t be involved.

_ You’re already causing him pain _ . 

“Yeah I guess you’re probably right,” Evan shuffled his feet.

“I like you Evan...but I think we should figure each other out first,” Connor hoped that Evan believed him. He just wanted to get to know him, not push him away.  But Evan wasn’t replying, just nodding his head. And Connor knew what it meant. Evan didn’t believe him at all.

“I’ll see you tomorrow--at school?” Connor asked hopefully, trying to get some of the light in Evan’s eyes back.

But he just gave another small nod.

Connor smiled tightly and waved as he turned to head home, feeling Evan’s eyes on him the whole way.

He felt terrible.  _ Why? _ I _ should feel good. I just made a friend. _

But the almost defeated look Evan gave him before he left was all he could see. A reminder that he always messes everything up. 

_ He’s too good for you. He’s too good for you.  _

“Ughhhh!” Connor groaned, upset that his own mind had split in two.

_ Should I just forget about it all and ignore Evan? It would save him from having to deal with the real me… _

_ But I really like him. I think we could be real friends. Maybe even more. _

_ It would be easy to just go back to hiding. _

_ No…I can’t give up. I have to make this small, cute, nerd, a part of my life. _

_ For…some reason. _

Still lost in his swirling thoughts, Connor arrived home and headed upstairs without bothering to say hello. He heard his mom shouting at him that dinner was ready, but he just flopped onto the bed, throwing his arm over his eyes.

__

_ Just text him. Just tell him you want to see him again tomorrow. He wants to see you and who are you to deprive him of something he wants?  _

_ Even if it’s you and you’re terrible _ .

He groaned and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He started to type.

**Connor** : hey evan thanks again for hanging out wit

_ No no no that doesn't even sound like you _ .  _ Delete. _

__

**Connor** : hey its connor.

_ Ok not a bad start… _

**Connor** : hey its connor. I hope ur not upset 

_ No no no thats too forward. _

**Connor** : hey its connor. I really liked spending time w u.

_ Is  _ that  _ too forward? I mean, its true and maybe it would make him feel a little better… _

**Connor** : hey its connor. I really liked spending time w u. Would u maybe wanna come over tomo

_ NO I can’t have him here this place is awful...plus what if zoe fucks it all up and steals him from me…he worked at the park...maybe the park. _

**Connor** : hey its connor. I really liked spending time w u. would u maybe wanna hang out at the park tomorrow after school?

_ Yeah ok I think that's good. Right? Surely there's no way he can read anything but good things from this… _

Connor hit send and shoved his face into his pillow to wait for a response. He felt weirdly nervous at the thought of seeing Evan again.

_ Maybe he’ll talk to me at school tomorrow...wouldn’t that be weird? Someone nice talking to me instead of shouting abuse in my face. _

He’s about to give up and head downstairs, for what was inevitably going to be an awkward family dinner, when he heard his phone beep with a text notification. 

**Evan** : I really liked spending time with you too. I’d love to hang out tomorrow.

Connor smiled at the other boy's perfect spelling and punctuation.

**Connor:** oh u would LOVE it would u? like u LOVE me?

He shook his head and pressed delete frantically.  _ That is so mean. What is wrong with you?! _

**Connor** : awesome i’ll see u tomorrow

He smiled as he hit send and placed his phone on his bedside table. He headed downstairs knowing that he must look like a dopey, smiley fool.

If his expression weirded out his family, Connor didn’t register it. He was too busy thinking about Evan; his broken arm, his soft lips, his weird fascination with trees, and what tomorrow would bring.

He couldn’t wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next is more Evan!


	7. Stand By Your Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Evan's POV and the insanely cool Jared Kleinman is at it again!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go read [Walls](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24544639/chapters/59267710) by endoftheziam!  
> It's a super amazing stormpilot fic written by a super amazing gal!

Evan was excited to go to school the next morning. He hadn’t felt like that in a long time.

For a few moments, he reveled in the anticipation. Then, he jumped out of bed.

He got dressed in record time, the usual polo and khakis, before he opened his laptop to begin a letter for Dr. Sherman. Evan quickly typed up some “im getting better and i love my life” garbage that he didn’t even bother to proofread. He knew it was probably riddled with errors, and it definitely sounded like something straight out of a self-help book, but he didn't care.

_More important things to do today._

He rushed to the bathroom to check his reflection one last time. _Okay its just another normal day. Just your average normal day...except you kissed Connor Murphy yesterday. And you're spending time with him again. And there’s a chance he might talk to you at school in front of other people. Right just your average day._

Evan practically ran his route to school. He only slowed down when he reached the final turn, making an effort to regulate his pace and breathing as he walked onto the school grounds. He took several deep breaths, and felt his heart slow down.

Only for it to accelerate when he saw Connor.

He was wearing his typical all black ensemble, complete with skinny jeans and a hoodie. His hair looked especially shiny in the early morning sun.

_There he is...the man of my dreams._

_Oh geez, Evan. Get ahold of yourself._

Connor walked up the stairs to the school’s main entrance looking as long, lanky, and strangely graceful as he always did. Evan raced to catch up but he couldn’t quite manage it; Connor walked quickly, and with his shorter legs, Evan ended up lagging a few feet behind him.

He followed Connor into the school and through the halls until Connor walked into his first period, effectively ruining Evan’s chance of speaking to him.

_Shit._

Evan stared into the classroom Connor had just disappeared into. He felt something brush against his arm, and turned to see Jared staring into the same classroom.

“What are you doing, weirdo?” 

“N-nothing!” Evan yelled, then winced.

“Riiiiight...correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m like 90% sure you were just trailing down the hallway after Connor Murphy like a lost puppy.”

“No no no! I was...uh..looking for my-my homework!” Evan reached down to pick up a random piece of paper on the floor. “Ah! Here it is!”

“That’s a flyer for the Fall Musical, dumbass.” 

Evan blushed and hastily shoved the paper into his jacket pocket. Jared’s eyes followed the movement, and Evan saw them light up with malice when he noticed that “CONNOR” was written on Evan’s cast in big, bold letters.

Evan didn’t wait for the ridicule and the questions that were sure to follow. Instead, he immediately turned on his heel and ran in the opposite direction of Jared.

Sure it was a cowardly move, but Evan had never claimed to be brave.

Three classes have gone by, and Evan still can’t stop his heart from racing every time he thinks about Connor. Which is about every five minutes.

_Connor. Freakin. Murphy._

When will he see him next? Is Connor avoiding him? What will they do after school? What will they talk about? 

He has managed to successfully avoid Jared so far, he had been ducking around corners and hiding in supply closets all day, but they have their next class together. And Jared would take any and every opportunity to inflict pain.

Evan knew he would have to find someway to explain, to try to defuse the situation, but he hadn’t come up with anything. His stomach rolled at the thought of Jared’s potential response to “I kissed Connor Murphy.”

_Maybe if I just keep my head down and work, he won’t have time to ask._

_Yeah that’ll work…_

He waited by his locker until the bell was about to ring, then hurried down the hallway to his Algebra II class.

His heart sank, Jared was standing just outside the door, clearly waiting to corner him, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. Evan’s anxiety spiked.

“So the freak signed your cast huh? That’s the best you could do? What are you like, gay for him or something?” Jared crossed his arms.

Evan hadn’t thought of anything clever, and he'd had three periods to do so, so he went with the truth. 

_Maybe it will throw him off. I’m so damn tired of this constant picking on me. Fuck Jared and his fake friendship._

_And fuck his insurance._

“So what if I am?” he said defiantly, crossing his own arms. 

Jared’s face went slack. His arms, limp at his sides.

“Wait, _what_ _?_ Seriously?” Jared asked with none of his usual snark.

_Well you’ve done it now. All or nothing…_

“Y-yeah,” Evan said, his composure slipping. “You know what? I am gay, Jared,” He knew his volume was steadily climbing, but he couldn’t help it. He was so tired of feeling bad for being himself, for feeling ashamed of being different. “And I _like_ Connor. And he signed my cast! And we might even be friends now! WHAT ABOUT IT!?!”

Jared blanched. “I-I I’m sorry man...I didn’t know. I was just joking.”

Jared actually looked sorry for once, but Evan didn't feel like letting him off the hook.

“Yeah well, everything’s a joke to you, isn’t it?”

Evan pushed past Jared into the classroom and it was only then that he noticed that they had an audience.

A few of the previous period’s students hadn’t quite made their way out yet, and standing not two feet away from him, his mouth open wide in shock, was Connor _freaking_ Murphy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me how you're liking this?! Not even gonna lie I need validation.


	8. Tell Me More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch time with Evan and Zoe!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! Pls forgive me. I got plenty more comin!

“Oh shit…” Jared whispered and rushed inside to his seat.

_Coward._

Evan started to panic, not sure how to even begin to explain. Connor took another step toward him. Evan was sure that Connor was going to shove him again, but he was rooted to the ground.

But Connor didn’t punch him, or shove him. He didn’t even yell at him.

Instead he wrapped Evan in one of the tightest hugs of his life. Connor’s arms wrapped all the way around him, he leaned down and rested his head on Evan’s shoulder.

_Am I dying? Am I dead? Is this heaven? Mmmm his hair smells like coconut…_

He didn’t have time to reciprocate the hug before Connor released him and took his shoulders. Connor looked directly into his eyes, his expression soft, and all Evan wanted to do was kiss him again.

“Thank you,” Connor whispered.

Before Evan could reply, Connor rushed out the door.

Evan turned to the classroom, now half full and all staring at him, frozen in place and on the edge of their seats. They all looked confused, some of them even a little scared. He’d never had this many people stare at him before. It made him itchy.

He sat down and turned to look at Jared, who was doing his best to hide behind a textbook. Evan raised an eyebrow at him and gave him his best “ _look at what you’ve done_ ” glare before resting his arms on his desk and laying his head down on top of them. 

_Please let this day end quickly._

But much to Evan’s dismay, they day dragged on. By lunch, it seemed that everyone had heard about the “incident.”

As he expected, there were many contradicting versions of what had happened going around, each more outrageous than the last. He heard that Connor threatened to kill him before Jared stepped in. That Evan pronounced to the whole class that he was deeply in love with Connor and Jared stormed out in a jealous rage. He had even heard that the three of them got in a full on brawl and it took five teachers to break it up. 

_I’m concerned about the way information travels at this school. I remember why I stayed in background for so long._

As he walked through the cafeteria, he could feel every pair of eyes on him. It was terrible.

He had made it halfway to his usual table in the back corner when someone grabbed his elbow.

“Evan. Hey…” Zoe said softly.

“Oh, uh hey Zoe.”

“I heard about what happened. Are you okay?”

“Which version did you hear?” Evan barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

Zoe let go of his elbow and stepped back. She cast her eyes to the ground and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. 

_Wait is she...nervous?_

“The version where you pronounced your love for my brother to the whole class and he punched you in the face,” Zoe grimaced.

“Oh my god.” Evan let out a shaky sigh. “What is wrong with people?!”

“Hey hey its ok! Here come with me,” Zoe grabbed his elbow and dragged him out of the cafeteria.

Everyone continued to stare.

They were almost out of the cafeteria when Evan caught Conner’s eye across the room. Their gazes stayed locked for a beat. Then Connor grabbed his lunch and rushed out of the cafeteria.

_He looked so upset… I hope they aren’t bullying him for this. Seems like they will use anything against him._

Zoe continued to drag him, by his broken arm ( _ouch_ ) until they were standing in a secluded courtyard that Evan had never noticed before. 

Zoe sat and patted the ground next to her, which was oddly reminiscent of the day before when Connor had done the same.

“So what actually happened?” She asked, reaching into her lunch box.

Evan felt a little starstruck. He’d spent years craving the attention of the Murphys and in two days he’d managed to talk to both of them more than he’d talked to anyone in a year. 

“I um...I’m not sure what to tell you…”

“The truth would be nice,” Zoe said matter-of-factly as she bit into her sandwich. 

“Haha yeah...well, yesterday-”

“When Connor pushed you.”

“Right… Uh--after school I was in the computer lab writing my let- something and C-Connor was in there and he apologized and signed my cast,” he held up his arm to show Zoe the giant letters written across it. 

“Thats...weird,” she scrunched up her face.

“Yeah well I thought it was uh...pretty nice. And we t-talked for a little while afterwards and--I don’t know--we kinda hit it off..I guess?”

“Hit it off?” Zoe chuckled. “What does that mean?”

“Uh...we just- we just got along really well.”

“Right, ok. So what happened in class then?”

“Well this morning I was trying to talk to Connor and Jared, you know Jared-”

“The loud asshole who always talks about his ‘internet girlfriend’?”

Evan couldn’t hold back his snort. “Yeah that one. He um he was giving me shit about it and then later, before fourth period he said uh...he said…” 

Zoe looked at him expectantly, but he couldn’t make himself say it. What if she made fun of him for being gay? What if she made fun of him for having a crush on Connor? What if she said something _to_ Connor? 

_Aw come on...It’s Zoe Murphy for Christ’s sake._

“He said what Evan? You can tell me. I swear I won’t say anything. To anyone.”

“But why? You barely know me?”

“I don’t know...I like you Evan. Your’re genuine and sweet. And you seem to understand Connor more than anyone here. Maybe even more than me. He’s so damn hard to read sometimes.”

Evan nodded trying hard, and failing, to suppress a smile.

“Okay well...Jared gave me shit about Connor signing my cast and then asked if I was gay for him.”

“In a very loud, rude way I’m assuming?”

“Yeah of course. And I don’t really know what happened to me-I guess I’m just so tired of being worried about everything all the time, but I said that I _am_ gay and yes I _like_ Connor, and he signed my cast and we might be friends.”

“And all of that is true? That’s how you feel? You like him? Like you _like_ like him?”

“Uh..yeah…”

Zoe nodded and gestured for him to go on.

“S-so then I walked into the classroom, and I realized that Connor was standing there and that he’d heard everything…”

“Oh boy…”

“And then he just...he just hugged me? Like really tightly.”

Zoe almost spit out her bite of sandwich. “Excuse me?! He _hugged_ you?!” she looked at Evan with disbelief.

“Yes. And then he ran away.”

“Wow… that story is almost more unbelievable than the one I heard from Alana…”

Evan watched her face, waited for her to yell at him about being into Connor, or to tell him how dumb he was for thinking they could be friends, or to tell him off for publicly admitting his feelings or any of the truly idiotic things he’d done today.

“Him decking you for liking him sounds way more like something Connor would do. But I knew something was up,” Zoe frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“He was way too happy last night. Like, weirdly happy. I haven’t seen him show that much emotion, besides anger, since like seventh grade.”

“Wait really? He was--happy?” Evan was smiling so hard, it hurt.

“Yes...Oh my god look at you!” Zoe pinched his cheek. “You’re so cute!”

“No I’m not!” Evan batted her hand away from his face.

“He likes you too, you know?” Zoe’s eyes softened.

“R-Really?”

“Of course he does. What’s not to like?”


	9. Take Delight in the Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys find their way into the trees again.

The rest of the day passed impossibly slowly, the way time so often did when there was something good waiting for you at the end of the day.

But Evan powered through, and finally it was nearly 4 PM. Just a few more minutes and he would get to to see Connor. The mere thought of seeing him again was making the butterflies in Evan’s stomach flutter.

The final bell rang, and he leapt out of his seat, hastily putting his things into his backpack. He tried to ignore the weird looks he was still receiving from his classmates as he rushed out of the classroom and down the hallway, heading towards the exit at the back of the building. He hoped to catch Connor as soon as possible so they could get the hell out of there.

He stopped, just outside the doors, when he saw Connor already waiting for him at the edge of the small forest. A huge smile spread across Evan's face. 

_Wow he’s really here. I almost expected him to just head home._

“Connor! Hey!” he shouted as he neared the other boy.

But when Connor turned to look at him he looked anything but excited. 

_Oh no. What did I do?_

“Connor, what’s wrong?”

“I saw you at lunch. With Zoe,” Connor’s eyes narrowed.

“Wait, what?”

“Don’t play dumb Evan. I get it. You played me. And you won. Congratulations! Next time, leave out the love stuff. It’ll hurt less that way,” Connor said bitterly.

He turned away, but Evan reached out and grabbed his elbow.

“Don’t go! Please, I can explain!”

“What else do you want from me? You got Zoe! She’s all yours! Just leave me _alone_.”

There was so much pain in Connor’s eyes. Evan thought he might cry.

Connor tried to pull his arm out of Evan’s grip but he held on tightly.

He didn’t let go yesterday and he wouldn’t today or any other day. Not when Connor was looking at him like that.

“Connor..listen to me. Please just listen, okay?” 

Evan knew he sounded pathetic but this day was _exhausting_ and he didn’t care. He just wanted to go sit under a tree with Connor Murphy. Talk about anything, or nothing. He had been holding onto this for the entire day like a lifeline. Holding onto the hope of another moment in the trees.

“Ok fine, Evan. Fine.” Connor’s eyes softened a bit. “I’ll listen.”

Evan let go of Connor’s elbow and managed a weak smile.

“Not here though. Come on,” Connor started towards the trees.

They walked together in silence until they reached the same tree from the day before, which Evan was already referring to in his head as “their tree”.

They both sat. Evan’s hands rubbed together.

He felt like he was going to explode. Or cry. Or throw up. Maybe all of the above.

_What did I do? Zoe dragged_ me _out of the cafeteria? Why does he still think I’m trying to date her? Maybe he’s worried about what people are saying. Maybe now they’re talking about Zoe too. What if he never talks to me again because of all the staring and whispering?_

“I’m not into Zoe,” Evan said. “I’m not using you to get to her. If anything, I was planning on using _her_ to get to _you._ That sounds bad but I just-- I’m not trying to date her I swear. I’m so sorry.”

Connor wouldn’t look at him. Evan couldn’t tell if he believed him or not. He needed him to know that he wasn’t lying, that he would _never_ lie to him or manipulate him, like so many people seemed to.

“But you left with her,” Connor said quietly. “She was holding your arm…isn't that what you wanted? Her attention?”

“She literally dragged me out of the cafeteria. She just wanted to know w-what happened this morn-.”

“Oh right. You mean the thing every single person has been talking about all day,” Connor interrupted, rolling his eyes.

Evan was heartened that he seemed at least a little less hurt.

“Yes. I mean no. But yes. _That_ . But no. I mean, I’ve wanted to be her friend but mostly I just want _you_. I’m sorry Connor. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for everyone to know like that. I’m sorry they’re all talking about it. About us. T-the rumors. Jared is an ass. And I’ve messed this up so badly already god-” Evan cut himself off before the tears choking him forced their way out. He put his head in his hands and tried not to let Connor see how close he was to losing it.

_You can’t panic in front of him. Don’t scare him off. Calm down._

“Evan...hey,” Connor grabbed Evan’s hands and pulled them away from his face, “Look at me.”

Evan looked at him reluctantly, sure that Connor would be able to see the unshed tears that filled his eyes. To see them, and be disgusted by them, by how pathetic he was being.

“Don’t be sorry,” Connor reached out and touched Evan’s cheek. 

Evan felt a few tears spill over. 

Connor wiped them away gently with his thumb. 

“No one has ever done anything like that for me before. Stood up for me like that,” Connor whispered.

His hand was still on Evan’s cheek, and it was making his brain short circuit.

“I-I I just...why don’t you believe that I’m stupidly into you? I’d do it again. I’d do it a million times. You’re _amazing_ Connor. I mean- I fell in love with you without ever talking to you. I would do anything for you.”

As soon as he said it he wished he hadn’t. But Connor’s hand stayed where it rested on his face, cupping his cheek. 

“You have got to stop saying you love me,” Connor said softly.

He was smiling again, that secretive little smirky smile. The one he wore when he truly liked someone.

And Evan realized with a sudden clarity that he already knew all of Connor’s smiles, could detect them and what they meant, even from across a room. The way his eyes narrowed in suspicion, the grin of false confidence he wore when a classmate mocked him. The angry slash his mouth became when he was upset. The demure upward twist of his lips when he found something funny, but tried to hide it.

He’d been memorizing all of it, cataloging it, without even knowing.

_I’m so done for._

“It’s the truth,” Evan whispered, scared he would break their soft moment if he spoke too loudly.

“You’re _crazy_.”

Evan chuckled. “Uh yeah. That’s how we got into this mess in the first place. Cause of my crazy.”

And for the second time that day, Connor Murphy’s reaction completely surprised him. 

Slowly Connor leaned in and pressed their lips together. The kiss didn’t last long but it was firm and meaningful and everything Evan had ever wanted.

When Connor pulled back his eyes were glassy.

Evan’s heart was beating impossibly fast, and the butterflies in his stomach were doing cartwheels. “You’re everything to me Connor.”

Connor pulled away further, his brow wrinkled in confusion.

There was a strand of his long hair hanging in his face that Evan couldn’t stop staring at.

“You’re literally crazy. Like actually crazy! Who are you?!” Connor laughed as he spoke, his voice getting louder, his smile stretched wide.

Evan returned the smile and carefully, slowly reached out and to tuck the loose strand of hair behind his ear. Connor’s eyes sparkled.

“Ok for real though, we have got to stop doing this. This is a dangerous pattern.”

“What is?”

“Me blowing up, assuming things, taking my anger out on you. You being way nicer than I deserve. Us..kissing. It’s definitely unhealthy.” Connor chuckled.

“I don’t know. I mean I could do without the anger, but the kissing is nice,” Evan smirked. He felt so unlike his usual self. 

_He makes me brave._

“Yeah it is...but no. Seriously.” Connor said, his smile dropping.

Evan tried not to let the disappointment show on his face.

“No don’t do that! Don’t give me those sad puppy dog eyes! I want to get to know you Evan! The _real_ you,” Connor said, smiling hard, “The yelling _and_ the kissing are distracting me from that.”

“Ok fair enough,” Evan replied with a small huff of laughter. “But I want you to know Connor...It’s you and only you I’m interested in.”

“I believe you.”

They talked for a while, abandoning their plans to go to the park in favor of staying in the little happy bubble they had created under their tree. They talked about nothing and everything. About Evan’s college plans, Connors favorite collection of poems. They talked about their favorite colors, the things they wanted to do when they were “real adults.” They talked until it was dark and the stars shined brightly, until Connor’s voice became a rasp and Evan’s throat was raw. 

Evan knew he should be getting home soon, but he wanted to soak up every moment with Connor. He glanced over at the taller boy, sprawled out on the ground.

Stretched out under the stars, bathed in moonlight, his eyes closed, a hint of a smile on his lips. He was beautiful. Content, the happiest Evan had ever seen him. He looked like everything Evan had ever wanted but never imagined he could have.

For once, he didn’t think about the future, or what this meant for them. He didn’t over analyze everything, pick it apart and wonder over the meaning behind every word.

He just remained still and peaceful, with Connor, in their place in the trees, for as long as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh the DrAMa of it all!!! im sorry lol  
> But its more fun this way:)  
> lemme know what ya think!


	10. Two Arms to Cling to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chpt 7 from Connor's POV!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chpt 11 and 12 will be Connor's POV of Chpt 8 and 9 and then I swear things will move faster lol

Connor woke up with a smile on his face, and it was such an alien feeling that he laid there for a moment, relishing it. He couldn’t remember the last time he had woken up and not been immediately ready to go back to sleep.

_Life’s kind of different when you have something to look forward to...who would have thought?_

He was up a little earlier than normal, so he had a few extra minutes before he and Zoe had to leave for school. He decided to try to actually do something with his hair. He was putting a bit of product in it, to make his natural waves look a little less frizzy and a little more glossy, when Zoe walked into their shared bathroom.

“So big brother...you’re up early. Any specific reason for that?” She asked, looking over at him from her side of the counter where she had started brushing her teeth. Her “I know everything” smirk was visible around her toothbrush, and it was making Connor nervous.

“ _No_.” 

It came out a little sharper than he intended, but he wasn’t exactly known for having a soothing tone, especially where Zoe was concerned.

Zoe spit out her toothpaste. “Riiiight...okay. So it has nothing to do with what you were smiling about last night?”

Connor looked away quickly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Whatever you say.” Zoe finished pulling her hair into a neat ponytail. “Your hair looks nice.” She smirked as she turned to leave.

Thankfully Zoe didn’t push the topic any further on the ride to school. Instead they listened to her Spotify playlist titled “Songs to listen to in the car so Connor wont get fussy”. It was mostly early Panic! At The Disco with a little Troye Sivan thrown in (for calming vibes).

As usual upon arrival Zoe disappeared to hang out with her friends, and Connor was left to his own devices. He realized he had never really been at this school early. He wasn’t really sure what to do with himself.

_Do what everyone else does-- go to class. Gross._

He started his walk into the building, looking around quickly in the hopes that he might spot Evan. But he was no where to be found. Connor frowned.

_Maybe he’s late. Or he got here even earlier, the nerd._

Connor sighed as he walked through the main entrance. If anyone had asked him he would have denied it, but he had been hoping to see Evan on the way in.

_I’ve never had anyone to walk to class with before. Maybe they wouldn’t be as verbally abusive if I had company?_

_Who am I kidding? They would probably just direct it at him too._ Connor shook his head. It was probably best that Evan wasn’t there to walk with him. No need to paint a target on someone else’s back.

He spent most of first period ignoring his English teacher and reading his copy of _Slaughterhouse-Five_ under the desk.

During second period, he doodled in his notebook. And if some of the doodles happened to be of trees, he tried not to read into it. 

Finally, between second and third, Connor saw Evan.

His eyes caught on the back of a blue polo Connor had seen him wear a dozen times. Evan was walking at a brisk pace down the hallway. Connor picked up his pace, trying to catch up to him, but suddenly Evan ducked around a corner like he was trying not to be seen by someone. 

Not even a second later, Jared Kleinman emerged, headed in their direction.

_Oh...I thought they were kind of friends. I’d hide from him too though._

Connor didn’t want to give away Evan’s hiding spot, but now he wouldn’t get to see him until lunch at the earliest.

Connor heaved what felt like his 100th sigh of the day and turned to head to his third period. 

Perhaps it was that his thoughts were occupied with Evan that he forgot to keep his guard up, that he didn’t see it coming.

Just as he changed direction, something slammed him into the lockers. He made out a set of very broad shoulders, and a mocking grin, but didn’t recognize his assailant before the jerk walked away, laughing and high fiving his friends.

Connor leaned against the lockers for a moment, his heart racing. Normally, something like this would make him abandon all hope and ditch school for the library or the park. But he was not leaving today. He couldn’t. Evan would be disappointed and, honestly, so would he. 

_God you’re so whipped already. Enduring this hell for a boy? Who are you, a girl in a teen romance novel? Pull your self together._


	11. Enlightenment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little twisty twist for ya:)

During third period Connor was asked to stay to behind after class. Or rather he was told to stay behind after class.

When he approached his Algebra II teacher's desk, she waited until the last straggler had left and hit him with a “you’re failing.”

Connor didn’t reply. He wasn’t surprised, as he was pretty sure he hadn’t turned in a single assignment.

“You’ve got so much potential Connor. I just wish you would turn in your homework. For once.”

“Don’t count on it, Mrs. Johnson.” Connor turned to leave and saw Evan just outside the door. He froze.

_ He’s talking to Kleinman. Guess you couldn’t hide from him for very long. Man that guy is annoying. _

Connor knew he shouldn’t eavesdrop but he also didn't really want to walk through their conversation. The last time he did that, he ended up on the receiving end of Kleinman’s bad attitude.

“So the freak signed your cast, huh? That’s the best you could do? What are you, like, gay for him or something?”

_ I swear to god Kleinman.  _ Connor felt his anger rise, his blood boiling.  _ I make one friend and he’s ridiculed just for knowing me. Fuck everything. _

Connor glanced at Evan and noticed how absolutely pissed off he looked.

_ I’ve never seen him angry before… _

“So what if I am?” Evan crossed his arms.

The surety and boldness of Evan’s reply slapped Connor across the face. He had been expecting some kind of nervous mumbling or shuffling, not a defiant look and an affirmation.

“Wait  _ what _ _?_ Seriously?” Jared looked as shocked as Connor felt.

“Y-yeah. You know what? I am gay, Jared. And I  _ like _ Connor. And he signed my cast! And we might even be friends now! WHAT ABOUT IT?!” 

Evan was steaming and Jared was gaping, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Connor felt like he could take on the world. 

_ He stood up for me. He defended me. Loudly. And publicly. Wow. _

Connor watched as Evan pushed past Jared, and his eyes fell on Connor who was stood there obviously listening to their confrontation.

Connor wanted to kiss him. He wanted to wrap Evan up in his arms and kiss him long enough for him to completely forget about Kleinman and his shitty comments. He wanted to kiss him and then take him away forever to a cottage in the middle of a forest. But he couldn’t do any of those things. Not in front of all these people.

So instead, he hugged him. He hugged him harder than had ever hugged anyone in his life. 

And then he remembered where he was and who might be watching and he let go. 

_ God he’s so good. Just so pure. And nice. They don’t deserve him. No one in this school deserves to know how amazing he is. _

Connor grasped Evan firmly by the shoulders and whispered “Thank you.” There was so much more he wanted to say but couldn’t as the emotions building inside pushed him out of the room.

By lunch, Connor had heard several versions of “the incident.” A few implied that Connor savagely beat the shit out of the other boys. One that detailed how Evan bravely stood up to Jared who was bullying Connor for being gay. He even heard that Jared was jealous of him for spending time with Evan and had threatened to beat  _ him  _ up.

But he didn’t hear anything even close to the truth. 

_ I suppose none of them would actually know the truth anyway. Or care to know. Drama is drama and drama is all they care about at this damn school. People suck. _

He made his way towards the cafeteria, hoping he would catch Evan somewhere along the way so he wouldn’t have to face the whispers and looks alone.

He was looking around the hallway desperately when Kleinman stepped right in front of him.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah I was hoping we could talk?” Jared gestured towards an open classroom.

“For what reason? Why would  _ you _ want to talk to  _ me, _ Kleinman?” Connor gripped his bag where it lay across his shoulder as he tried to quell the anger already rising in him again.

“It’s about...what happened earlier.” Jared looked around nervously.

Connor glared at him. _ He must be up to something. Maybe he is in love with Evan and he’s trying to scare me off. That would explain why he’s so weird to him. _

“It’s about Evan.” Jared whispered.

“Fine.” Connor rolled his eyes and followed the other boy into the empty room. 

“Hurry up and say whatever it is you need to say, Kleinman. Don’t want people to see you talking to the  _ freak _ .” Connor sat on top of a desk and crossed his feet, trying to look nonchalant.

Jared stood in front of him. His arms crossed and a look of determination on his face.

“I wanted to say that I’m sorry. For what happened earlier.” 

The apology completely surprised Connor.

_ Never expected someone like him to apologize to  _ me,  _ but... _

“It’s not me you should be apologizing to.”

“Accept the apology or don’t. I couldn’t care less. What I really wanted to talk to you about, is Evan.” 

Connor had never seen Jared so serious. He looked almost upset, his cocky facade completely gone. It was the only reason Connor decided to hear what he had to say.

“What about him?”

“He’s...fragile. So how serious are you about him?”

“Excuse me? You’re asking  _ me _ how ‘serious’ I am about him? You’re joking right?” Connor was completely taken aback, in utter disbelief that Jared Kleinman of all people had asked him how he felt about Evan. 

Evan, the person Jared constantly teased. Evan, the one person who actually tried to talk to Jared but was always pushed away. It was so painfully clear how awfully Jared treated Evan that even Connor, who before yesterday had never really talked to either of them, was very aware.

“No, I’m not joking. I want to know how serious you are. He obviously thinks the two of you are friends so I want you to tell me, right now, if you intend to be his friend or if you’re fucking with him, leading him on, using him.”

Connor stood from his seat on the desk and started slowly towards Jared.

_ He is accusing  _ me  _ of using Evan. He treats him like complete shit, but I’m the bad guy. No way, I’m not taking this. _

“I don’t know what you think gives you the right to question my intentions when all you’ve ever done is make him feel bad about himself. But no, Kleinman. I’m not fucking with him, or leading him on, or using him. I’m trying to be a good friend to him. Maybe you should try it.” He was barely holding his anger at bay. He would have loved nothing more than to punch Jared in his self righteous face, but he wouldn’t. 

_ Evan would be disappointed in me. _

“Ok. Good. That’s all I wanted to know.” Jared took a step back. “I  _ know _ I’m not a good friend to him. I’ve never been.” Shame passed over his face. “But he deserves one. Maybe it can be you.”

Connor watched as Jared disappeared through the open door.

_ What the fuck? _


	12. Euphoric Comedown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's POV of the return to the trees!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise its gonna speed up soon lol no more one day at a time. The POV will change a bit as well. I'll make sure to include POV in the chpt summaries. I have the whole fic mapped out now so its just a matter of writing it all down! Bear with me! I hope you all continue to enjoy this. It's taking a lot out of me at the moment lol. But its worth it for all ur lovely comments and yalls support. So thank you!  
> And another big thank you to my editor queen [endoftheziam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/endoftheziam)  
> ily and ur the best and thank u. Go read her fic its amazing!

Connor made his way into the cafeteria still baffled by his confrontation with Jared.

He caught several people staring as he made his way to an empty table in the corner. They all looked away quickly when he caught their eyes. 

_The staring isn’t new for me. I wonder how Evan is handling it though…_

Connor took a seat at his lonely table and pulled out his book to distract himself from the gossip that encircled him.

The whispers dulled for a few moments, then amplified, the hissing growing even louder. He looked up.

Evan had walked into the cafeteria. He was nervous. Connor recognized all the signs. Evan’s hands rubbed together, his shoulders hunched against the whispers, his eyes cast to the ground.

Connor stood hoping that Evan would be able to see him in the crowd, but Zoe beat him to it.

She grabbed Evan’s elbow. Touched his back lightly.

And then she tucked her hair behind her ear like she always did when she was nervous.

It all made Connor so angry.

 _Ever-charming Zoe wins again._ _Without even trying._

Zoe started to lead Evan out of the cafeteria. 

Evan looked back in Connor’s direction and they locked eyes. 

Connor wasn't sure what he expected to see in the other boy’s eyes, but what was there gave him no relief.

Excitement. Delighted in the fact that Zoe was desparate for his attention.

_I should be the one getting his attention. I should be the one taking him away from the whispers and the glances._

He couldn’t help but feel abandoned. Damaged Connor, thrown in the garbage and replaced by shiny and perfect Zoe. Again.

He gathered his things and fled.

He knew it was immature to spend the rest of the day pouting in the library but he did it anyway. His inner monologue went around in circles, trying to decide if he should stay and give Evan a chance to explain, or to cut his losses and run.

_It would be easiest to disappear and pretend like everything with Evan never happened. But it would be really satisfying to yell at him about Zoe. And honestly I don’t really want to forget everything that’s happened with Evan._

The final bell was about to ring, so Connor headed out the exit towards the small forest at the back of the school.

A few minutes had passed by the time Evan arrived. He was radiating happiness. His eyes shining, his lips tilted up in a goofy smile. It almost crumbled the walls Connor had spent the last three hours trying to build up. Almost. 

_Fuck. He’s so cute. Stay strong. If he’s gonna be taken away from you then you need to be strong._

“Connor! Hey!”

It was a struggle to not return the other boys smile. But Connor resisted, narrowing his eyes.

Evan’s smile dropped. “Connor, what’s wrong?”

“I saw you at lunch. With Zoe.” 

“Wait, what?”

“Don’t play dumb Evan. I get it. You played me. And you won. Congratulations! Next time, leave out the love stuff. It’ll hurt less that way.”

He started to walk away, not wanting to wait around to see Evan’s reaction.

_I knew I didn't deserve this but I let myself get attached anyway. I’m so stupid._

“Don't go! Please, I can explain!” Evan caught up to him, grabbing his elbow.

“What else do you want from me?” he yelled. He had tried so hard to not let the situation get to him, but it had. And that just made him angrier. “You got Zoe! She’s all yours! Just leave me _alone_.”

Connor tried to pull his arm out of Evan’s grasp but he wouldn’t let go. 

He just wanted to get away. He was so tired of being hurt and angry. 

Evan’s grip tightened. “Connor, listen to me. Please just listen, okay?”

Maybe it was the way Evan’s eyes were pleading with him. Maybe it was the desperation in his voice. Or it was the fact that all Connor had ever wanted was for someone to actually listen to _him_ , but Connor had to hear him out.

“Ok fine, Evan. Fine. I’ll listen.”

Evan dropped his elbow and smiled at him hopefully.

“Not here though. Come on.” Connor started towards the trees.

He lead them to the tree they had sat under the day before.

_Seems only right._

As soon as they sat, Evan began to rub his hands together.

_He’s nervous. But for what reason? Because he got caught?_

“I’m not into Zoe. I’m not using you to get to her. If anything, I was planning on using _her_ to get to _you_. That sounds bad but I just-- I’m not trying to date her I swear. I’m so sorry.”

_I want to believe him. And he sounds sincere, but…_

“But you left with her. She was holding your arm...isn't that what you wanted? Her attention?”

“She literally dragged me out of the cafeteria. She just wanted to know w-what happened this morn-”

“Oh right. You mean the thing every single person has been talking about all day.” Connor rolled his eyes, so over the school’s weird fascination with everyone’s private life. Even his own sister was obsessing over “the incident.”

_Of course she wanted to know what happened. Zoe has to be at the center of everything. I can’t even have a good moment without Zoe inserting herself._

“Yes. I mean no. But yes. _That._ But no. I mean, I’ve wanted to be her friend but mostly I just want _you_. I’m sorry Connor. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for everyone to know like that.”

_To know like that? To know what? That he has a crush on me? That were friends?_

_“_ I’m sorry they are all talking about it. About us. T-the rumors. Jared is an ass. And I’ve messed this up so badly already, god- _”_ Evan cut himself off and put his head in his hands.

_He looks so broken. You did this. He was so happy before you accused him of using you. Why do you ruin everything? Why do you always assume the worst?_

“Evan...hey,” Before he could second guess himself, Connor grabbed Evan hands and gently pulled them away from his face, “Look at me.”

_Fix it._

Evan looked up and his eyes were full of unshed tears.

_Fix. It. Right. Now._

“Don’t be sorry.” Connor reached up to softly stroke Evan’s face. A few tears rolled down his cheek, and Connor was helpless to do anything other than wipe them away. “No one has ever done anything like that for me before. Stood up for me like that.”

“I-I I just...why don’t you believe that I’m stupidly into you? I’d do it again. I’d do it a million times. You’re _amazing_ Connor. I mean- I fell in love with you without ever talking to you. I would do anything for you.”

_This is why I can’t believe that you're into me. Who says things like that out loud? He’s too nice. And I’m too...me._

“You have got to stop saying you love me.” Connor smiled. 

“It’s the truth,” Evan whispered.

“You’re _crazy._ ” 

Connor gave in to the urge he’d had all day. He leaned in and kissed Evan. Just a quick kiss of reassurance. An affirmation that he liked Evan too. A firm press of lips to tell him what he was feeling, better than words ever could. 

It didn’t last long but it was enough to make him feel a little bit dizzy. And when he pulled back, he swore he could hear both their hearts racing.

“You’re everything to me, Connor.”

Connor pulled back further to stare at Evan in bemused confusion.

_Seriously who says that? What is he a walking Nicholas Spark character or something? It’s really sweet though. We really should figure each other out a bit more. I don’t wanna be a high school tv drama cliche._

“You’re literally crazy. Like actually crazy! Who are you?!” Connor couldn’t help but laugh. He felt so lucky. How could someone as sweet as Evan talk to him like this, defend him, want his friendship and more?

Evan reached out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind Connor’s ear. 

Connor wanted to kiss him again.

_I’ve always wanted someone to do that._

“Ok for real though, we have got to stop doing this. This is a dangerous pattern.”

“What is?”

“Me blowing up, assuming things, taking my anger out on you. You being way nicer than I deserve. Us...kissing. It’s definitely unhealthy.”

He felt guilty saying it, especially since he was the one who initiated their last kiss, but he really wanted Evan to like him for who he _was_ , not who Evan _thought_ he _was_. He wanted them to actually _know_ each other.

And there was no way for that to happen if every time they met Connor ended up yelling, and Evan ended up crying and then they made out. That was a terrible way to start a relationship of any kind, let alone a romantic one.

“I don’t know. I mean, I could do without the anger, but the kissing is nice.” Evan smirked.

“Yeah it is...but no. Seriously.” Connor felt his smile falter.

Evan’s teasing smile dropped quickly and his eyes went wide and sad.

“No, don't do that! Don’t give me those sad puppy dog eyes! I want to get to know you Evan! The _real_ you. The yelling _and_ the kissing are distracting me from that.” Connor let a smile spread across his face.

“Ok fair enough.” Evan huffed out a small laugh. “But I want you to know Connor...It’s you and only you that I’m interested in.”

He looked so serious. No jokey smile or smirk. Just pure, unabashed sincerity.

_He’s so open with his emotions. I wish I was more like that. Seems like my default emotional setting is anger._

“I believe you.”

They spent the rest of the evening talking. It started off a bit awkward but it soon became effortless. It was surprisingly easy finding things they had in common. Like their all encompassing dislike for almost everyone they went to school with, their burning desire to get out of high school and make something of themselves. And their secret love for disgusting rom-coms.

Connor hated admitting that he watched The Proposal at least once a month, but Evan’s excited declaration that it was his “favorite Ryan Reynolds movie” made his confession worth it.

Connor couldn’t help but wonder what his first three years of high school would have been like if he would have known Evan. Maybe he wouldn't have had to go to that boarding school sophomore year. Maybe he and Zoe would have a decent relationship. He wasn’t sure about what school would have been like, but he was sure that he would have been a lot happier.

After a while they both fell silent. A comfortable silence.

Connor stretched out under the stars and dared to let himself imagine how different his future could be with Evan by his side.

He was determined to make it a reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upon editing it was discovered that I misspelled Nicholas Sparks but i discussed it with my editor and she thought it was funny and in character for Connor so we left it :)


	13. Only Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're finally getting somewhere...kinda.

The next day, Evan was woken up by the sound of a text notification. He didn’t get texts often, so he didn’t recognize the noise at first, but it was enough to pull him out of his dream. 

He had been laying in some tall grass. Connor was there. It was a really nice dream.

But the context of the text made up for any disappointment at having been awoken.

**Connor:** hey was wondering if u wanted to meet up and walk to school together?

Evan couldn’t help the strangled half-scream/ half-cry that came out of his mouth.

_ Uh...FUCK YES I want to walk to school with Connor Murphy. _

_ But calm down a bit before you reply. _

Evan took a few deep breaths and began to type.

**Evan:** Yeah! That would be great. I live on Oak St.

**Connor:** alrighty ill meet you on broadway. its about half way.

**Evan:** Perfect!

Evan stared at his phone screen in wonder before breaking into a little happy dance. He was mid bounce when his door swung open.

“Evan I was wond- Uh what are you doin there hun?”

“Oh hi, Mom! I was just...um. Doing a happy dance?” 

“Right.” She narrowed her eyes. “Ok. Well it’s good to see you in high spirits! I guess therapy is working!” She smiled.

“Uh yeah. Right. Therapy.” Evan looked down at his phone.

“Well, I was just wondering if you wanted a ride to school today. I’ve got the day off!”

“No!” Evan yelled, then cringed. “Uh, no. That’s ok. I need the--fresh air.”

“Ok. Then, maybe we could have a nice dinner or something?”

Evan was a little confused as to why she suddenly wanted to spend time with him, but he couldn’t say no. Not when she looked so happy.

“Sounds great.”

“Alright well I’ll see you tonight then, Honey!” 

After Evan gave her a small smile in response, she left, closing the door behind her.

Evan groaned.

He hadn’t actually told his mom about his new friend. And he wasn’t really sure he wanted to. Mostly he just didn’t want to have to sit through all her questioning about school and life and future plans and  _ blah blah blah _ .

He knew it was just her trying to show that she cared but it was draining for him to have to pretend like everything was perfect. 

If everything didn’t appear to be perfect he would be forced into more therapy, or worse, more medication.

Pushing the thoughts of dinner out of his head, Evan began getting ready for school. He focused on the fact that today he wouldn’t be walking into school alone. He would be walking next to a friend.  _ Connor Murphy. _

It was suddenly more important to him to look his best. He made sure his shirt didn’t have any wrinkles, combed his hair carefully, and put on some colorful socks just for the hell of it. He wanted to look nice for Connor.

He had just slipped his jacket on when he heard something rustling in the pocket.

He reached in and pulled out a piece of paper. It was the flyer for the school musical he had hastily shoved in there after pretending it was his homework.

_ Hairspray…hmm. I do like that one. Maybe I could- no no no. Don’t be silly. You can barely talk to people how would you be able to stand on a stage? _

He set the flyer on his desk and hurried out the door so he wouldn’t be late to meet Connor.

*************

It took everything in him not to run the whole way to school. He’d never walked so fast.

And when he finally saw Connor waiting for him at the end of Broadway St., he gave up and sprinted the rest of the way towards him.

“Hey! Ready to walk to school?” 

“Wow, you’re really energetic in the morning.” Connor deadpanned.

“Uh y-yeah kind of.” _Mostly I’m just really excited that you’re willing to be seen with me._

“Are we walking or running? Cause if were running I’m out.” Connor side-eyed Evan, as they started their walk to school, side by side.

“No walking is fine. I like walking.”

“Okay, weirdo.” Connor smiled.

_ His smirky smile. _

The rest of their walk was silent, a companionable silence.

But when they entered the school, it was anything but silent. Everyone they passed stopped to stare and whisper. The hissing followed them from the school’s lawn through the double doors, never quieting.

He wasn’t unfamiliar with people staring at him, neither was Connor. Normally Evan would just ignore the weird looks thrown his way.

But it was a little harder when the looks were coming from  _ everyone _ .

Evan looked to Connor, who was either unfazed, or just really good at pretending he was.

“Do you think that they'll stop eventually?” Evan leaned in close to Connor to whisper.

“They did it before, didn't they? I don’t think it will ever really stop. But I don't care.” Connor whispered back, a little louder.

Evan looked at him, confused.

“As long as you're okay walking next to me, I couldn’t care less what they have to say about it.”

*************

Evan’s first few classes went by pretty smoothly. He spent most of the time thinking about what Connor had said, letting it distract him from the looks he was  _ still _ receiving.

He had thought that eventually the uncomfortable itchy feeling would wear off, but it hadn’t yet.

Best to focus on other things.

Evan had just sat down in his Algebra class when he noticed Jared making his way into the room. Evan tried not to make eye contact but Jared sat down in the seat in front of him.

“So, this is the real deal, huh?”

“What are you talking about, Jared?”

“You and Murphy. You guys are like...really friends.”

“Yes. And?”

“Nothing just wondering is all.” Jared gave him the side eye. “Wondering how long  _ that’s  _ gonna last.”

“Shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Look at you talking back! Who are you and what have you done with Evan Hansen?”

Evan rolled his eyes and silently prayed that Jared would go away.

“Look...I’m-I’m happy for you ok. He’s a weird dude, but so are you.”

Evan stared at Jared in suspicion.

_ What’s his game here? Why is he being...almost genuine? _

“Uh...thank you?”

Jared gave a curt nod and rose from the seat in front of Evan.

“Oh and thanks for getting my free car insurance taken away. ‘Preciate it.” 

Evan couldn't help but laugh.

He expected Jared to be angry, to say something spiteful in return, but he just smiled and left for his seat.

*************

When lunch rolled around, Evan and Connor found each other in the corner of the cafeteria.

“Fancy meeting you here.” Connor laughed.

Evan snorted in response.

“Hey, I was thinking maybe we could go eat in this little courtyard. It’s kind of secluded and quiet. Zoe showed it to me.”

“Uh yeah. That sounds nice.” Connor stood to follow Evan and then froze. “Zoe’s not gonna be there, right?”

“No, Connor. Zoe is not going to be there.” Evan rolled his eyes and smiled. 

“Ok good.”

Evan lead them to the courtyard Zoe had showed him previously. Connor happily followed.

Lunch was easy. There was no one around to make them nervous. They could just be together. No worrying about stares or whispers. Their conversation flowed naturally. Like it did the day before in the trees.

Evan couldn’t believe it. They had found a new place where they could just  _ be _ . And not be bothered.

It filled Evan with a happiness and ease that he had never felt at school. Or with another person.

__

_ It’s like a spell has been broken. And he’s just...Connor. And I’m just Evan. _

_ I love it. _

After lunch they walked together through the halls to their next classes. Evan’s classroom was the first stop.

Before he entered the room, he looked around to make sure no one would see, then leaned in to lightly kiss Connor’s cheek.

Evan was worried he would freak out, but Connor just blushed and then started to rush down the hallway.

“Bye Connor! See you later!” Evan yelled after him.

“Bye, weirdo!” Connor yelled fondly as he turned around the corner and out of Evan’s sight.

Evan walked into the classroom, unable to keep a huge grin off his face.

_ Weirdo. I could get used to that. _

__

If anyone was staring or whispering, he didn’t notice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry its been awhile. im slowly crumbling but im determined to finish this story i promise!


End file.
